| the Xtians! |
| the Xtians! |
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WHAT ARE XTIANS? Xtians are Christians of various faiths that essentially abbreviate (like XMas) their faith, in order to fit it into their more important life-style. They can be members of any of the many denominations, though they are most obvious in the traditional ones. More often than not, they have money, hefty doses of pride, and best I can tell, aren't too concerned about meeting God anytime soon. 'MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ... MUST BE SUNDAY ... IT'S A RICH MAN'S WORLD.'! (ABBA-ish!) If you read the gospels, you'll quickly notice Jesus didn't have too much appreciation for money. He said that the rich were not likely to be in the kingdom of heaven. He pointed out the poor woman that gave almost all she had to the temple. He instructed his disciples to not worry about money ... fellow believers would help them. Later on after Pentecost, the Christians were selling all that they had and a couple of them tried to cheat a little (both being struck dead). The apostle Paul discussed collections for the saints in Jerusalem who were in dire need. And Paul also complemented the churches who provided him support, though he still felt comfortable absent support. During the subsequent years, the Christians took pride in not 'charging' for religious benefits (in comparison to the greeks) and also spending much effort caring for the poor and prisoners. Indeed at one point, James, in accomodating the gentiles, seemed most concerned for the welfare of the jewish Christian poor. Now when middle-class americans read about Jesus (I can't speak for the europeans!), they quickly start coming up with 'qualifiers' to try to fit themselves into the kingdom. Instead of money, it's 'attitude towards money'. Plus by having money, you can give more to the church!!. What was Jesus thinking?! After you get past 'literal' money being the problem, there's really not much in your way. Why, you can build really neato church buildings, all to the glory of God!!. Hire talented organ players and pay for a myriad of bishops, priests and pastors. Run fancy schools and host basketball teams. God is being glorified!! Of course, who am I to judge?. Maybe God thinks all this is pretty neat. But reading Jesus and the gospels, and the early Christian care for the poor, I really wonder. I live in Sedona. I'm not rich by any means but compared to those folks in the New Testament, I am 'rolling in the dough'. No doubt. And from associating with those better off than me, I sort of agree with Jesus. The more money you have, the more you rationalize. Remember the 'rich young ruler'? Did everything right. Jesus said 'give it up'. And he couldn't. Nor can I. And so, I do believe I am a card-carrying 'Xtian'. HAND ME THE MONEY, SISTER! You got it? I want it! All for the glory of God (of course). When you have expensive churches, you NEED money. Salaries, general expenses, and so forth. So like any business, it's best to try to develop a dependable cash-stream to pay for it all. And expand (of course). The problem from a paster-point-of-view is convincing the members to budget for the spiritual-money-machine. This takes some doing, since the New Testament doesn't have many examples to use. So, what to do?? Tithing! YES! Like an income tax (oddly enough, the percentage is very similar to the average IRS rate). It's in the Old Testament, but that's ok. The trick is to CONNECT it to the New Testament. There's several ways to do this. In some denominations, you just bury a contortionist's logic somewhere in the church history and writings, and then 'move on' and quote the rule. But for the conservative, 'follow-the-Bible' crowd, you can't do that. So the pastor says ... well, geepers, in the Old Testament, all you got for your tithe was some burning sheep and temporal sin-forgiveness. With the New Testament, you don't have to buy sheep, the sin-forgiveness is forever, AND, you get eternal life to boot. What a deal! Therefore ... you should 'at least' give what the Israelites gave. Right?!!! That sure makes sense to me. Another neat argument is to CONVERT Paul's 'give according to your means' to 'give a percentage'. That's a good one. Kind of makes sense, too. Of course, I keep wondering about Jesus. Jesus-who? I think his 'percent' was 'all'! But, Xtians 'know' you can't feed the spiritual-money-machine, if you gave it all to the poor (who don't deserve it anyway). Pledges! Ever heard of 'planning' or 'budgeting'. How can you do either, when you don't know how much money you're going to get? Need to have the members 'pledge'. This is especially true, if you're working on your new fancy church building and need a loan from the bank. Unfortunately ... you don't have any examples of 'giving-from-the-heart-planning' in the New Testament (though they did give for an identified need a week ahead of time). But, pledges are the efficient answer. Of course, you need to get a 'name' with the pledge (for tax deductions, right?). Duh. Later on, you can remind your flock of pledgers to ante-up! (Get some good Paul-advice in 2 Cor on this). Of course the unfortunates that followed Jesus' guidance won't look too hot, will they? Better to be an Xtian!! Begging Ok, 'passing the plate'. Pastors do not like the chore of begging. The honest-ones anyway. The less-than-honest pastors might even enjoy it. More money!! Obviously the honest-ones are better than the less-than-honest ones, right? OH, THE SERVICES WERE SOOO GOOD TODAY, PASTOR! One of the criticalities of church operations, is to keep your flock in your church. Else, the whole thing falls apart. Luckily people tend to be creatures of habit, and once they settle in for some spirituality, they can generally be counted on for the long-haul. Unfortunately they talk to other flock-members and compare notes. Not good. Also, the sheep get tangled up with each other. Also not good. Or get testy with the local shepherd (you) ... definitely not good. Each is an opportunity for flock-size-reduction. What to do? Spiritual Marketing! Why didn't Jesus think of that?! No wonder he's delaying his return. The ideas just keep coming and coming! Ratchet up the church competition game and make it pay (Paul did a little of that too)! First, start with the pastor. Not just any pastor will do. Need a PhD'r or something like that. Seminary graduate. Talks a good sermon and riles up the members for a spiritually uplifting event! Now what about the service? Need some uplifting music too. Organ and player? Well, ok ... if it's a really monster organ and classical music (read 'money') included. Want the younger set? Ok ... a band, speakers and excitement! Plus a 'youth pastor'. The main pastor's likely an old-foggie. Need someone to 'talk-the-walk' and 'walk-the-talk'! Music directors, fancy kitchens (cooks?), child-care, private-schools and more. WOW! There is no end to glorifying God, is there, fellow Xtian?! Loser Churches You can always tell the churches that 'just don't get it'. First, they have these little buildings that don't impress anyone. Not very many members. Boring services. Pealing paint. Don't they know 'sincerity' doesn't pay the bills? Whenever you see one of these and you're a church-builder-pastor, you are looking at opportunity! (there are your different kinds of pastors, you know.) It's even better, if you have a good building and a little congregation. There is nothing that can match a good Xtian operation in the making! I WANT TO BE A DEACONETTE! I made that word up. They call themselves 'deaconess'es. [*] I forget what the title of the head deaconess is. Of course each denomination has mucho titles and positions. The priests have multiple layers just like the pastors. I don't remember the title for being a 'good Christian'. Actually that's not true. Pastors came up with 'mature' Christians versus 'babes in Christ' (just like the New Testament, gee). I guess I'm a 'babe'. Xtian too, Mature Xtian. I have a hard time keeping a straight face. Heresy? I just keep thinking about the Jesus-guy and his guidance to become 'as a child'. He made (and continues to) make sense. All the spiritual 'layering' doesn't. Oh, I grant you, it's certainly more efficient. I just hate it when no one's in charge and all the sheep start complaining. Need some shepherds!! But when you start the layering (needed to manage 'the operation'), you can't avoid competition. Well, goodness, you don't want a lousy choir, now do you? The Need to Impress If per-chance you are selected and elected to a church office of responsibility, you do need to impress. God? Nope. Your fellow sheepers. They are not throwing out the shekels for nothing! Choir practice. Good meals for the sheep. And professional. I can always tell a church that is just not professional. Always reminds me of the early New Testament church. But you do have to admit, the Bible had office qualifications. Candidates had to be men (depending on the passage). Responsible. Honest. Good with their families. Hmmm ... I'm not seeing 'exciting', 'good looking', 'impressive', 'doesn't make me mad'. Obviously they were early in their development. Hadn't reached the 'Xtian' stage yet. Yep. IS IT POSSIBLE TO PRAY 'TOO MUCH'? What a silly question! Of course you should pray. At church anyway. At home, I don't know if anyone has that much time. Whenever the family is 'all home', we try to pray at dinner. But with today's demands on the modern family, it's certainly a challenge. Actually we're lucky. We don't need prayer that much. I know a lot of people there at church on Sunday do, so that makes sense. Yes ... definitely they need some prayer. In fact I could make out the 'short list' of things they need to talk to God about! Goodness, I've been trying to give our Pastor some advice about them. My guess: they're not good Xtians. COME ON OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR DINNER! Oh, the social scene in a good Xtian church is just 'not to be matched'. The homes are nice, expensive testaments to the rewards from God. Poor people's homes? Well, they're 'ooookaaaay'. But 'nice' homes are just 'so much better'! Here in Sedona, I think a good view is best. Of course, it's only to better enjoy God's handiwork (some of us can appreciate God more than others). I don't know about you, but it is hard to get a good decorator. Outside, Bob finally found someone to fix up the xeroscaped yard next to the pool. Now that was a real challenge! And, oh, the garage. It just seems to me, you just can't have a garage that is 'too big'! We try to keep it neat, but Bob just bought the new RV and our neighborhood doesn't like them sitting outside. Well, what can you do? Sometimes my non-Christian relatives question my nice house. Jealousy is a sin! But I tell them ... I earned it. Come on. Just one of my rewards from heaven. Obviously, 'THEY' weren't rewarded. Duh! HOW OFTEN SHOULD YOU TRADE-IN YOUR MERCEDES? Personally, I feel like anything over 2-3 years starts looking a bit smudged up, don't you think? Plus maintenance. I just don't have time for taking the car in all the time. This morning was the prayer-breakfast, and tonight is a special youth class I'm helping out on. My friend drives a Lincoln but frankly, I wonder if that's not 'showing off' a little too much. I told her it looked like a 'New York taxi'! Maybe I shouldn't have. Yes, I do try to be humble, but it's really hard when you're at Fashion Square Mall. Which: Nordstroms or Neiman's? Goodness, being an Xtian is certainly not easy. YOU 'ARE' COMING ON THE CHURCH-TRIP TO ISRAEL, DEAR? Walking in the footsteps of the Savior. My Savior! And the package-price is certainly good. That is really one of the great things about attending our church. Each year they plan a trip some place that is truly uplifting for the soul (and our pocketbooks!). Hotel selection is always tasteful. I think last year the flight overseas to Ephesus could have been better, but beggars can't be choosers!. We're so humble! This summer, our daughter is going with the church youth group to Africa to help with the youth program there. WOW! God's kingdom is just spreading EVERYWHERE! I used to be a member of a church in the Village. I couldn't believe it. Their youth group was helping a drug-center down in the Valley. Drugs! Can you believe it? What am I supposed to do ... brag about my daughter helping drug-addicts?? That's one of the main reasons we switched churches. Plus, we get these really cute pictures of the new members from Africa. I'm not sure, though, if they're Xtians. I'll have to check. MASTERING THE XTIAN LANGUAGE When I first became an Xtian, it was really hard. Prior to that, I wasn't sinful or anything. But for goodness sake, the language is a real pain to learn. 'Grace' ... not the ballet kind. 'Justification' ... not the not-my-fault kind. 'Sacrifice' ... not the great-store-sale kind. 'Sanctification' ... sancti-whaty?? The list just goes on and on. I wish they'd just speak english. I remember at church, they were having a class on converting non-believers. Me? I can't even convert myself! I didn't want to drop out or everyone else might think I was a dummy. I don't know ... maybe I'm not really a believer? Maybe .... I'm an Xtian! No problem! HAVING PROBLEMS WITH 'CHRISTIANS' Every now and then at our church, somebody has to get snooty and suggest that maybe we're not like the Christians in the Bible. Oh, give me a break. Like we live in Israel and don't have air conditioning. These are modern times needing modern living. Can you imagine if we behaved like Christians?! Everyone would think we were 'mental'. 'Feed us to the lions, why don't you?! But, between you and me, the answer is always so simple. We smile sweetly at them, nod our head, and say 'yes ... we certainly all have a ways to go.' Works every time. |
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